wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

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Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.


My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.


Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy


Dear McDonald’s, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don’t think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.


[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”


you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower


Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day


“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*


If Twitter was any more fun we’d have to smuggle it in from Mexico.


*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.