wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
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[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Every work meeting this week
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here: