WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
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The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.