@david8hughes

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

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@ThisOneSayz

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

@Moldy_Jellybean

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

@mortimermaiden

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

@tmoswole

To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.

@AngelaEhh

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

@E_lok44

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

@markleggett

Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.

@LouisPeitzman

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

@GreenishDuck

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

@TheMichaelRock

People in public restrooms don’t really like playing Peek-a-boo, apparently.