Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
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Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.