Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.