just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
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“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
The Others (2001)
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.