WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
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I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Sharon, call the vet
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
two people or more is called a problem
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like