wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
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Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Sharon, call the vet
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”