@KeetPotato

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

You Might Also Like

@AthenaMystique

Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.

@Scorpio1080

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

@jonnysun

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

@Goofpoops

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

@Brianhopecomedy

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

@_salt_n_lime

Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.

Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.

Me: I said what I said.