wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
You Might Also Like
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
⛄️