sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
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My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Me: I don’t like anyone enough to live with them.
Friend: You’re married with 4 kids.
Me: I said what I said.