@KeetPotato

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

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@caitiedelaney

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

@RunwayDan

My favorite horror movies are about camping trips gone horribly wrong. It’s a problem I’ll never have, and frankly, if you’re going camping, you’re just asking for trouble.

@rcromwell4

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

@simoncholland

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

@BunkiePerkins

5 year old daughter: We watched the President today at school.

Me: You did? Do you know the President’s name?

Daughter: Lady Gaga

Me: Yep

@ShortSleeveSuit

JUDGE: please read the last part of the record to the court

STENOGRAPHER: the witness stated that mercury was in gatorade

ME: can I finish

JUDGE: lmao read it again

@sweetg35

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

@daplusk

My doctor told me exercise will add years to my life. It’s true. I just did 10 push ups and feel like i’m 80

@wolfpupy

i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels

@momtransparent1

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.