@KeetPotato

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

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@kelkulus

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

@noog

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

@AmericanGent69

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

@shanethevein

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

@kentgrossarth

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

@GalaxyKate

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

@bornmiserable

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

@gayIorswift13

At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams.
That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.

@fuzzlime

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

@Brianhopecomedy

Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.