wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

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In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.


Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?



The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.


Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.


Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.


You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra


“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”


DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven’t gone off in years


Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.


I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.