evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
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Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
“in defiance of the prophecies”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams.
That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.