wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

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My favorite horror movies are about camping trips gone horribly wrong. It’s a problem I’ll never have, and frankly, if you’re going camping, you’re just asking for trouble.


If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.


Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day


5 year old daughter: We watched the President today at school.

Me: You did? Do you know the President’s name?

Daughter: Lady Gaga

Me: Yep


JUDGE: please read the last part of the record to the court

STENOGRAPHER: the witness stated that mercury was in gatorade

ME: can I finish

JUDGE: lmao read it again


If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.


My doctor told me exercise will add years to my life. It’s true. I just did 10 push ups and feel like i’m 80


i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels


If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.