WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
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me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.