Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

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All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.


Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!


8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”


BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong


Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.


If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.


*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.


JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film