Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.