Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
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Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
tourist season
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Cause of death: Zumba
*orders delivery*
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.