Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
You Might Also Like
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!