Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@DamonHunzeker

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

@SamGrittner

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

@OverlyManlyMF

Uppercuts a horse. Creates the first girrafe.

@turkeyheadmac

Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don’t apply the brakes

@a_simpl_man

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

@Darlainky

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

@Goofpoops

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

@thatdutchperson

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

@rocknthepurple

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

@LerbsyCherbs

I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.