[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

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If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.


I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.


Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don’t apply the brakes


We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption


[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!


[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.


I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.


I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.