[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
🤣😂🤣
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro