Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

Happy weekend !

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.