Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
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I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.