Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
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Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*