I WON A HAM TODAY
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Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*