[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
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If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking