[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

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[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water


If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.


I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.


Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.


Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell


[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP


Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.


At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house



Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.


ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?


I had an aunt who was told by the Vet to get her overweight dog outside of the house more often.
She then took him for car rides twice a day.
I worry those genes are in me somewhere.