[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
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awkward
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
me 2 months after i graduated
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.