@Gupton68

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

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@JoParkerBear

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

@claire_mudie

If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don’t think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser.

@BoomBoomBetty

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

@mixedgrass

If a British guy caught his wife cheating he’d probably be like “right. what’s all this then”

@mamallamapuff

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

@Lisabug74

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”