The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
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If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don’t think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
If a British guy caught his wife cheating he’d probably be like “right. what’s all this then”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions