Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
What?!?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.