wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.