WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
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It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
This squirrel eats better than I do
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes