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@truegritrumble: WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
@: [Changes Siri to male]
ME: Siri, tell me the—
MALE SIRI: Listen, here’s what you need to know.
MALE SIRI: Excuse me, I’m speaking
@hurlarious: Why doesn't every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
@AaronFullerton: We can teach kids there's no "i" in team but it's way more important to teach them that there's no "a" in definitely.
@Schmoodles: Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.
@R_A_Dadass: My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven't slept or eaten in days.