@Gre_Gone

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

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@chopper4jk

My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid’s these days…

@Jenn_H_Scott

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

@VodkaTiem

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

@FrenulumBreve

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

@NickadooLA

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

@aimeevc1970

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

@MsSugar_Kisses

I need to chat with my coworker’s husband.. If he was bangin’ her properly, we wouldn’t have to deal with her bad attitude..

@SarcasticAlly12

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

@Easy_Tiger__

ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend

Are you:

1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?

DM for details