[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
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[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Its true…
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie