[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
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Finally, a door that understands me
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
the Monday after daylight savings
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’