[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
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Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.