Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.