[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]


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There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.


If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling “It’s over here you idiot!”


Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list.




I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.


ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.


ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor


Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN


All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.