There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
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If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling “It’s over here you idiot!”
All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
good work, detective
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.