Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …
She : You want both !?
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Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.
“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart…
I’m just happy I didn’t bite anyone today.