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@Chay_Raghu

Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …

She : You want both !?

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

@ProZD

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

@momoneycomedy

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

@TennisShoeBoi

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

@CauseWereGuys

“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.

@madeleinedoux

“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell

@TheTweetOfGod

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

@girlontapas

All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart…

I’m just happy I didn’t bite anyone today.