WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
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Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
another case of gang violins
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Siri: Retweet me.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.