wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.