[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
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Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.