[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
You Might Also Like
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me trying to reach for my goals
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.