I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
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Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
cat vs inanimate object
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.