*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work*

I love you too, babe!


Where’s my credit card? Son of a..

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*Fires off jokes*
*Kidnappers helpless in laughter*
“..and that’s how your granpappy saved baby Jesus.”

– Me, someday


The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.


Sarcasm :

Because life doesn’t come with a free “stay out of jail card”


Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.


[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.


Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”


ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way


[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question


Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?


ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man