@TheMichaelRock

*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work*

I love you too, babe!

[later]

Where’s my credit card? Son of a..

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@AGreaterMonster

*BUSTS DOWN DOOR*
*Fires off jokes*
*Kidnappers helpless in laughter*
“..and that’s how your granpappy saved baby Jesus.”

– Me, someday

@TravLeBlanc

The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.

@lovemyboots111

Sarcasm :

Because life doesn’t come with a free “stay out of jail card”

@AlmightyBored

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

@Cpin42

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

@ddsmidt

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

@joejwest

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

@PaperWash

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

@5hael

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

@rockymomax

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man