I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
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BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Sits up from couch..
Fridge: HIDE HE’S COMING BACK
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.