wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
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*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.