wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

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I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.


BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward


Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again


My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.


I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”



Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out


JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please


My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get


Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.