Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit
me: no babe she woke af
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Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My primary physician says I need to eat more ice cream sandwiches and this is why my seven year old is my primary physician.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
BODY: i’m exhausted
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BRAIN: can almost say his own name
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline
Me: Help please
Her: Ok sir. Let’s take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out
Me: THIS ISN’T HELPING