How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.