Wife: Guess what I did

Me: Captured Bigfoot?

Wife: I got a great deal on kid’s clothes

Me: Just so I’m clear, Bigfoot is still out there?

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If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.


the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person


Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.


I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.


My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.


*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?


[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok


My mom said if I try to storm Area 51 that I’m grounded, so I guess I’m out, you guys.