[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
New Tinder profile.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Danger is very dangerous
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.