If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Wife: Guess what I did
Me: Captured Bigfoot?
Wife: I got a great deal on kid’s clothes
Me: Just so I’m clear, Bigfoot is still out there?
You Might Also Like
this is the best interaction on twitter
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist
lady: we have cole slaw
My mom said if I try to storm Area 51 that I’m grounded, so I guess I’m out, you guys.