Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
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The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did