[we put our clothes back on]

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Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce


My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”


I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100


I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.


My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.


Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill


Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches


I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff


Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.



“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]