Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
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This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon