wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber