WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
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My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.