my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
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i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Leonardo DiCaprisun
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
cyclists
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”