Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
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WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
need a new bf mines broken 😐
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules