Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
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I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Buck naked
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
car not found
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
me after eating Cheetos
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car