WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.