Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
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“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.
My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
DAD: What happened to your car?
SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn’t work.
DAD: There’s no going back now
Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.