WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
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I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.