WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
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[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”