WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
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i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Pot warmers of the day.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!