WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

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[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit


I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day


*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*


Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.


what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy


Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now


I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.


They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.


My neighbour has been playing the bongos for over an hour, and I thought he was meditating until I heard him sing “Yeah, shake that shit…”


me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something