@BlindChow

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

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@elle91

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

@iwearaonesie

wife: If you wake me up I’m going to kill you
[later]
me *watching her sleep* I’m not afraid of y-
wife *snorts*
me *doesn’t move for 45 minutes*

@HatfieldAnne

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

@duumb

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

@TheWadest

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

@IdoNotPoo

It’s all fun and games until you find the Twitter crush who catfished you is infact your husband

@Kid_topher

In high school, people called me “Superman” due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.

@shesxridiculous

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

@mortimermaiden

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.