WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

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[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*


wife: If you wake me up I’m going to kill you
me *watching her sleep* I’m not afraid of y-
wife *snorts*
me *doesn’t move for 45 minutes*


“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen


Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.


*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”


It’s all fun and games until you find the Twitter crush who catfished you is infact your husband


In high school, people called me “Superman” due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.


If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.


me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.