Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
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A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“Yes I’m here for a conjugal visit please”
Guard- name of prisoner?
Me – not sure, can I go in and pick one?