WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
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It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures