The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
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I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun